An Open Letter To You, The Woman He Once Loved

An Open Letter to You, The Woman He Once Loved:

You don’t know me. We’ve never met. But I know you– at least, I have an idea of who you are and the type of person you might be based on the stories he had told me about you and the life you had with him.

You had his heart for three years, and in those times, he had been the happiest. You lived with him, seen him in his most vulnerable and celebrated with him in his victories. You’ve met his family and they had treated you as part of theirs. In the same way, your family welcomed him with open arms.

You had made plans together. Your future was bright and full of limitless possibilities, and what’s more, it’s a future conjured by the two of you. If only the circumstances were right, I am sure that you and him would be living out this wonderful scene, no longer confined into a future but already defined as your present. And it will be the life he had always dreamed of even when he was still a young boy. It will be laid-back, easy, happy and most importantly, you will be by his side—the woman that he loved and gave his whole heart to.

Sadly, this dream of his would not become a reality.

Despite the rose-colored future you both strived to have, it seemed that fate had a different plan altogether. I may not know the exact details– I guess the pain of losing you is still quite raw for him that he couldn’t bring himself to tell the story even after a year—but I know that he wanted you to stay but you left. It was a decision that must’ve been difficult for both of you. I know because I’ve been there, but unlike you, I decided to stay.

Like you, my decision breaks my heart.

I know how it must’ve felt for both of you. He wanted you to be by his side as he faced the challenges of living in a different place, but you had your own set of dreams and plans and you wanted to be with him as you confronted the hurdles of your own adventures. It must’ve felt like a damning tug of war, with both of you on opposing sides. Both wanting to go on opposite ways but too stubborn to let go. Until you did.

That broke his heart.

Consequently, breaking mine.

Never would I realize that a stranger, somebody I have never even met, could affect me this much. To whoever you are, whatever your name is, I want you to know: I understand.

I understand why you loved him. He’s a genuinely good person. He has a heart of gold. He may be childish sometimes, a bit playful, but his eyes had seen the world and understands its depth and breadth. He’s wild and tamed, a walking contradiction. A boy of beautiful words and music, a man of sincerity and subtle strength. And I’m sure that in the afternoons when you looked in his eyes, you must’ve felt the same gentle wave of serenity deep in your soul that only him can conjure.

I understand why he loved you. You must’ve been beautiful, an angel in his eyes, someone who made him feel alive, who brought color back to his graying world. Before he met you, he was in limbo—he had come from a previous heartache, you see—and with you he had learned to love again. He opened his heart for you and you came, sweeping, filling the void with your smiles. He loved your strength, your grit, your passion. And honestly, I admire you too for that. You had those qualities that I so desperately want to have.

Maybe because in part, I want to be like you. Because even though I know this is flawed, somehow, in the depths of my twisted mind, I believe that being like you is the only chance that I can have him fully for myself.

Because you see, when you left, you took a part of him and left me with shambles—leftovers—which I know I don’t deserve. And yet I stay and make do of what’s left of him because it’s in the broken pieces of his heart that I see his true self. It’s those bits that I get to understand him, and thus love him. Whoever you are, you took the good parts of him and left me with the ugly. So, I have this one thing to say to you:

To you, the woman he once loved, the woman who once had his heart and broke it: I don’t know who you are, we have never met, but I want you to know that I don’t hate you. I don’t resent you for choosing to leave when he wanted you to stay. In fact, I admire you for being sensible and practical. For choosing your own happiness over his. For looking beyond the false, rosy tint of romance and recognizing the harsh reality of life after the hugs and kisses in the sunset. I admire you for choosing the cold truth of paying bills and rent and the never-ending rat race of building a career. Your decision to let go of him after three years of being together must have certainly broke your heart, and I admire you for choosing the hard road. But that’s just it. You have chosen your path. Please, stick with it.

You have made the decision to go, so don’t come back. That seemingly innocent “Hello” you sent him had shaken him to the core, and you know it will. I know you do. I don’t care what your reason is—whether you simply want to reconnect for friendship’s sake, or you still want to know if he’s still affected by you because goddamn it he still is—but I want you to know: to you, the woman who broke his heart—from one woman to another: you have made your choice. And it’s not him.

Nobody could deny that you played a huge part in his life. But your role is over now, the curtains have been drawn, the limelight that shone on you in the stage of his life has dimmed. You belong now to a past that should only be revisited in careless recounting of youthful escapades. Your story with him is now written in the loose pages of one’s diary, hidden among boxes of old mementos, only to be brought out when it’s time to make way for new memories.

So to you, the woman who he once loved: Let go.

He’s with me now. He may be broken, fragile, vulnerable, but he’s with me and I am staying with him. And I am doing my damnest to help him be whole again. To love again, even if it meant breaking my own heart in the process, because as I’m sure you know, that’s how it means to love. And I can’t do that if you keep coming back to the picture. You may not realize but I still see you in the depths of his green eyes, lurking in every whisper he croons in my ear. You had a place in his heart and nobody would be able to take that away but please, leave the rest not for me, but for him. Because God knows how much you’ve broken him that for the past year, he had been waking up from nightmares of you disappearing from his life. You scarred him, broke his heart and took away the most parts. And now you dare come back?

Don’t.

Again, I don’t hate you. I don’t wish to replace you in his life. You loved him and now, I love him too. There may come a time when I would be the one in your shoes, when I would be the one to make the same decision you made. But until then I want to say, to you, the woman who he once loved and broke his heart:

I understand.

I don’t hate you.

You have made your choice and it’s not him.

So please, let him go.

 


Author’s Note:

This is the raw version of this piece, meaning it has not undergone any major proofreading except for minor grammatical ones. I apologize for any grammar mistakes.

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